To Anonymous: You Suck

the mysterious Anonymous is famous for saying many amusing and some poignant things throughout his or her life time (and most of ours...seems to have been around a lot time). usually, i'm pretty okay with these little nuggets and even pin some on my pinterest board. what i didn't realize, however, was how gratingly irritating Anonymous can be. after all, he (as i have decided to label him for simplicity) seems to think that he knows everything. he thinks he's so clever, popping up every now and then to make us laugh or think or cry with their vast knowledge. if you had a friend like that, wouldn't you just want to smack them? as lizzie bennet would say, he is unwilling to speak unless he expects to say something to amaze the whole room. that's just pompous.

but, as i said, he has never really bugged me before, always good for a laugh. but now mister man has overstepped his bounds and gotten a bit too big for his britches. it's a slippery slope, you see, from allowing him to entertain us with such apt attention on our part, to becoming certain that everything he has to say is of some import. that everyone must listen because he is always worth the trouble. so he starts to make these phone calls. oh, yes. the famous "anonymous tip". now, don't get me wrong, i think it's a wonderful idea in theory. but, i have it on great authority (from an armed law enforcement officer standing in my living room) over 50% of anonymous tips are unfounded and false alarms. falling into this category? the tip that sent a gaggle of deputies in full raid gear to my house to investigate a claim of illegal drug activity.

oh, anonymous, i could wring your scrawny little neck (because pompous jerks always have scrawny necks). what were you thinking? does my house honestly look like we're running a meth lab inside? do i look like i do or deal drugs? does the constant chatter of little children or the stream of minivans that are seen coming and going raise suspicion of illegal doings? ridiculous! i can only assume that this was meant as some sort of sick joke meant to embarrass me in front of my neighbors (who now will be giving me strange looks and a wide berth) and frighten my young children as these armed strangers search my house for nonexistent drug evidence, and that is something i simply can not forgive. seriously. not funny. this is not some cutesy quote to be pinned on pinterest or an amusing post for facebook...although i could make it one.

the story is this:

my house is a mess. i have all the kids' toys piled in the family room ready for the sorting and trashing process. add to that a broken toddler bed and an empty dresser, and a mountain of shoes that have been undergoing the same process, jackets and socks the kids have shucked after coming inside, and a couple of dirty rags from the kitchen waiting to go to the laundry room after i changed them out for new ones for the second time that day. upstairs, there is dirty laundry in the hallway because i've been busy with the toy sorting and kitchen cleaning process to get around to picking that up, my room is the biggest disaster since that is where the five clean laundry baskets have been sent to be sorted and put away, the kids have left more toys there that they've played with during quiet time, eme has taken all the papers off of the desk and spread them on the floor, and the hubby and i had simply been too tired at the end of the days to do more with our clothes than just shed them before climbing into bed...leaving them on the floor. several days in a row. who knew the whole spring cleaning process could be so messy?! and really, don't get me started on the bathroom where the girls had just broken the towel bar, left bath toys on the floor, squeezed toothpaste on the floor, and who knows what else? their room is what you would expect for three little girls sharing a room. at least my brother's room was decent looking, since he's only been here for a week at this point. and i'd just cleaned the kitchen...before making lunch that just got it messy again, and the living room is usually kept picked up...to a point. so i've just put the kids down for naps and quiet time and dropped my own rear onto the couch to relax when my brother and i notice a gathering of cars outside my house. before i can look out to get a good look at what's going on, there's a knock on the door, sending the dog into a crazed round of barking. great for nap time, btw. really helps the kids sleep.

so i open the door with a polite smile pasted on my face and freeze in what i am sure was a rather amusing look (a cross between confusion, shock, and intrigue...i have a strange interest in the whole bullet proof vest and exposed fire arm look...for writing purposes, of course) as i see four sheriff's deputies standing on the other side. the man in front introduces himself and informs me that they've received a tip from their good friend Anonymous that there is some illegal drug activity here. i pause. waiting. surely this is a joke. any moment, a cameraman will jump out of the bushes or something and everyone will laugh.

they blink. i blink. no cameraman.

i try to pull my lips up in a sort of smile as i reply, with a fair amount of wit, "Here?"

"yes, ma'am."

surely someone is going to laugh in a moment and reveal that this is a prank pulled by a mutual friend who asked them to stop by and give me a scare. perhaps from my husband? that seems like something he'd do. so i wait.

they blink. i blink. hm. apparently not. at this point i realize that this is real and they are waiting for me to say something. thinking quickly, i say, "Well come on in!"

Come on in? really, susan? like i'm excited to have company? like they are my best friends and are here to present me with a big fat check the size of my front door? but what can i say? i'm hospitable. so they do come in and i sign a paper giving them permission to search through my house (with the exception of the rooms where my youngest two are sleeping, because, law or no law, you don't wake a sleeping baby). i laugh and tell them that we have no meth lab (good to get that out of the way up front so they don't waste too much time looking for it, you know). i followed that up with, "the only thing we've got cooking is ramen!", which was still on my table from lunch. i did stop myself from offering them some, but only just. and mainly because it was all gone except for the drying noodles the kids dropped on my table. just to make sure they understood, though, i also mentioned that they were going to be pretty disappointed since i didn't even have alcohol. they double checked that one, though, so i stopped offering any sort of comment and let them do their job. although, i did point out the most likely locations for a drug lab and showed them how to get there. might as well speed this up.

hearing the commotion, noe came up from the basement. seeing strangers perusing our house with their guns strapped to their belts and the strange black vests over their shirts (even though it was rather hot that day), she of course saw this as the perfect opportunity to ask for a cookie. then she sat on the couch and enjoyed the show. such a well adjusted child.

so after they searched where they would and finding nothing other than a cat in a box on the deck (hey, he likes it), they apologized for the inconvenience and even had the decency to look embarrassed at having to do it. they leave without any more fuss and as they file back to their cars, i see the mass of deputies that have been circling my yard (presumably to catch any runners from our drug ring that may have bolted when the cops came to the door). it takes a little while for them all to clear off of my street and i spend my time fidgeting and posting on facebook. all this time i can feel my cheeks getting really really red, because i can't believe they saw my house like that!! it's taken me a while to get over the embarrassment (after all, if they search drug houses on a regular basis, i have to believe they've seen worse!), and to take away this moral to the story: just like the underwear rule (always wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident), always have your house tidy in case you are invaded by drug seeking cops. hey, it could happen.