i was really concerned when we were moving about the rules of conduct in our new country of residence. from movies and my previous visits to my husband's family, i knew there were specific ways to do things that could cause offense or give the impression of disrespect if done wrong. there is an order to pouring tea, which falls to the youngest, i think, at the table, so i would have to instruct noe. there are rules about your chop sticks, about what to call people, etc. i also knew that there were some rules i was used to following that did not apply there, such as what you are not allowed to say or ask people (calling people fat, asking how much money they make, etc.) that would surely offend me! so it was with not a little trepidation that i approached this new culture, mentally thickening my skin for the "education" ahead.
i should have thickened more. to say i had a bit of a shock is like saying shaq is kind of tall. here i was thinking that people were very polite and ruled by stringent rules of conduct towards others. i was wrong. not to say that people in general here are unfriendly. they are not. if anything, they are a bit overly friendly. but i learned quickly, and continue to marvel over, that the idea of "common courtesy" is not that common after all! some examples:
1. the concept of turns and waiting in line patiently is nonexistent here. i have been cut off in line at the grocery stores, missed what should have been my turn at lots of things while out in public, and been bumped and shoved around without so much as a "sorry" or even "move" so many times that i'm about to start carrying a big stick to start whacking people with. seriously, it has taken a lot of control to resist retaliation. control that i have possibly reached the limit of (which is another reason why i need to take a vacation from it all a couple times a year...at least).
2. the rule of "right of way". there are really no traffic courtesies here at all, at least not where i have driven. red lights and green lights might as well be the same for the amount of attention people heed. pedestrians are as bad as the drivers, too, mainly because they would have to be or they'd never get to cross the street. and don't get me started on the scooters and three wheelers and bikers. i have a whole separate post about driving in china that i need to save that for. but i will say that the lack of proper driving etiquette here has turned me into a jekyl and hyde kind of driver. i'm a shrew behind the wheel. i tell my assistant that i have become a chinese driver as i successfully navigate the roads with the same aggressive finesse as my asian counterparts. but then i add that i'm not sure if that makes me proud or ashamed. i really had no wish to become such a driver, but have out of necessity.
3. people doubting your parenting skills. openly. in public. yes, parenting is different there than it is here. personally, i don't like the parenting style they adopt there, but i like to think i know better than to openly criticize or that i give them the benefit of the doubt. i recognize the good in their way, and must concede that it seems to work in the long run as my own husband turned out really well, as has his sister. so it really bothers me to have every body i run into on the street, strangers or neighbors (who really are still strangers to me), questioning the decisions i have made as a parent from letting my children dress themselves, feed themselves, and make all manner of other decisions befitting a child their age; to the way i discipline them and restrict their behavior by what i consider acceptable rather than allowing them to be rude or infringing upon others' rights. i thought that parenting here would be very strict and that i would worry about my kids seeming too unrestrained to them. it is the opposite. and it is not just the comments i get from these people that upsets me. it is their interference. that is absolutely unacceptable to me. so i had to learn a few phrases to use to prevent or stop these strangers from inserting themselves between me and my children.
4. sanitation. oh, people. i can not begin to explain my gripe fully here with this issue. it, too, like the driving, deserves its own post. i hope that i get the chance to write it while i am here, because it needs to be said! just know that i do not appreciate people's lack of respect for the health and well being of myself and my family. the littering, the relieving of bodily waste anywhere the urge hits (side of the road, bus, parking lot in front of my car...), the spitting, the lack of proper cleaning in restaurants, and who knows what else!! it's no okay!! how can this be considered appropriate behavior, when at the same time they are wearing a face mask to prevent a cold! they bundle up in three layers year around to keep from getting a runny nose, but this sort of filth is not a concern?! i would like to pin it on a lack of education, but we all know how china is about education, so that can't be it! do we not remember the plague, people? it's in the history books. a cold is not your biggest concern in this sort of environment!
5. invasion of privacy. having people looking over my shoulder to see my phone or kindle is rather disconcerting. and they are blatant about it. "no, don't mind me. i'm just poking my nose into your private business!" on top of that, the staring and pointing and exclaiming over the amount of children i have everywhere i go is getting rather old, too. either we're freaks, or celebrities. i suppose we could be both. i tell my kids all the time, "don't point", "don't stare", " don't bother them" when they see someone they are curious about. but this is an attitude limited to my house here, apparently.
6. saying "i don't know" when you really don't know. now, in the US, we joke about men driving around lost because they don't want to stop for directions. in china, it's a bit different. the people you ask for directions don't want to admit that they don't actually know the answer. so they make it up. we've been sent the wrong way more times than i can tell you. seriously, if you don't know, just tell us.
now, i understand that some of these issues are due to the fact that i am in a rather small area. it may be different in the bigger cities (i can only hope). also, i can even understand how some of it happened since there are just so many people that people stopped worrying about bumping into people or letting others go in front of you when you can squeeze them out (otherwise you might never get to go). but i find it very difficult to make allowances for most things. in a culture where you have strict rules about your chop sticks and the proper thing to call people you meet, i find it so hard to accept that so much discourtesy is tolerated! but, in case you decide to make the trip to fuyang (which is where i live), here are rules to live by:
1. do not allow other drivers, pedestrians, scooters, etc. to take advantage of you. if you try to follow proper right of way or even just exercise common courtesy, they will run all over you. literally. without second thought. you must be aggressive and offensive with your driving or you will not make it through the first intersection.
2. carry lots of wipes, napkins, and sanitizer. in fact, you may even want to carry your own utensils if you are going out to eat.
3. learn the phrases, "don't touch","don't pick up", and "she can do it herself" before you go. perfect them. you will be using them a lot. i also had to add "i'm not afraid of cold"...because they don't believe you if you just say "i'm not cold" or "the weather is not cold". trust me on this.
4. learn to ignore rudeness directed at you. no sense in getting mad about it. you'll just drive yourself crazy. as i have.
now that i have finished my ranting, i would like to add that the people i've met have been very friendly. nobody is a stranger in their minds, and, while this makes me uncomfortable at times, it is nice to know that i'm not being shunned! they constantly offer us food and invite us into their homes. they want to take pictures of my girls and they want to talk to eme (who has probably had the hardest time adjusting). they really are very nice to us. i am not what i would call unhappy there. and you probably wouldn't be either if you are able to adjust and accept, or at least prepare. there is a lot that i have had to learn and adjust to and substitute for, or just plain learn to go without, but once i made those allowances and found my way, i live a very happy life. well, accept for the lack of doritos. and cheetos. and donuts....well, won't dwell on that today. we did that yesterday.
i should have thickened more. to say i had a bit of a shock is like saying shaq is kind of tall. here i was thinking that people were very polite and ruled by stringent rules of conduct towards others. i was wrong. not to say that people in general here are unfriendly. they are not. if anything, they are a bit overly friendly. but i learned quickly, and continue to marvel over, that the idea of "common courtesy" is not that common after all! some examples:
1. the concept of turns and waiting in line patiently is nonexistent here. i have been cut off in line at the grocery stores, missed what should have been my turn at lots of things while out in public, and been bumped and shoved around without so much as a "sorry" or even "move" so many times that i'm about to start carrying a big stick to start whacking people with. seriously, it has taken a lot of control to resist retaliation. control that i have possibly reached the limit of (which is another reason why i need to take a vacation from it all a couple times a year...at least).
2. the rule of "right of way". there are really no traffic courtesies here at all, at least not where i have driven. red lights and green lights might as well be the same for the amount of attention people heed. pedestrians are as bad as the drivers, too, mainly because they would have to be or they'd never get to cross the street. and don't get me started on the scooters and three wheelers and bikers. i have a whole separate post about driving in china that i need to save that for. but i will say that the lack of proper driving etiquette here has turned me into a jekyl and hyde kind of driver. i'm a shrew behind the wheel. i tell my assistant that i have become a chinese driver as i successfully navigate the roads with the same aggressive finesse as my asian counterparts. but then i add that i'm not sure if that makes me proud or ashamed. i really had no wish to become such a driver, but have out of necessity.
3. people doubting your parenting skills. openly. in public. yes, parenting is different there than it is here. personally, i don't like the parenting style they adopt there, but i like to think i know better than to openly criticize or that i give them the benefit of the doubt. i recognize the good in their way, and must concede that it seems to work in the long run as my own husband turned out really well, as has his sister. so it really bothers me to have every body i run into on the street, strangers or neighbors (who really are still strangers to me), questioning the decisions i have made as a parent from letting my children dress themselves, feed themselves, and make all manner of other decisions befitting a child their age; to the way i discipline them and restrict their behavior by what i consider acceptable rather than allowing them to be rude or infringing upon others' rights. i thought that parenting here would be very strict and that i would worry about my kids seeming too unrestrained to them. it is the opposite. and it is not just the comments i get from these people that upsets me. it is their interference. that is absolutely unacceptable to me. so i had to learn a few phrases to use to prevent or stop these strangers from inserting themselves between me and my children.
4. sanitation. oh, people. i can not begin to explain my gripe fully here with this issue. it, too, like the driving, deserves its own post. i hope that i get the chance to write it while i am here, because it needs to be said! just know that i do not appreciate people's lack of respect for the health and well being of myself and my family. the littering, the relieving of bodily waste anywhere the urge hits (side of the road, bus, parking lot in front of my car...), the spitting, the lack of proper cleaning in restaurants, and who knows what else!! it's no okay!! how can this be considered appropriate behavior, when at the same time they are wearing a face mask to prevent a cold! they bundle up in three layers year around to keep from getting a runny nose, but this sort of filth is not a concern?! i would like to pin it on a lack of education, but we all know how china is about education, so that can't be it! do we not remember the plague, people? it's in the history books. a cold is not your biggest concern in this sort of environment!
5. invasion of privacy. having people looking over my shoulder to see my phone or kindle is rather disconcerting. and they are blatant about it. "no, don't mind me. i'm just poking my nose into your private business!" on top of that, the staring and pointing and exclaiming over the amount of children i have everywhere i go is getting rather old, too. either we're freaks, or celebrities. i suppose we could be both. i tell my kids all the time, "don't point", "don't stare", " don't bother them" when they see someone they are curious about. but this is an attitude limited to my house here, apparently.
6. saying "i don't know" when you really don't know. now, in the US, we joke about men driving around lost because they don't want to stop for directions. in china, it's a bit different. the people you ask for directions don't want to admit that they don't actually know the answer. so they make it up. we've been sent the wrong way more times than i can tell you. seriously, if you don't know, just tell us.
now, i understand that some of these issues are due to the fact that i am in a rather small area. it may be different in the bigger cities (i can only hope). also, i can even understand how some of it happened since there are just so many people that people stopped worrying about bumping into people or letting others go in front of you when you can squeeze them out (otherwise you might never get to go). but i find it very difficult to make allowances for most things. in a culture where you have strict rules about your chop sticks and the proper thing to call people you meet, i find it so hard to accept that so much discourtesy is tolerated! but, in case you decide to make the trip to fuyang (which is where i live), here are rules to live by:
1. do not allow other drivers, pedestrians, scooters, etc. to take advantage of you. if you try to follow proper right of way or even just exercise common courtesy, they will run all over you. literally. without second thought. you must be aggressive and offensive with your driving or you will not make it through the first intersection.
2. carry lots of wipes, napkins, and sanitizer. in fact, you may even want to carry your own utensils if you are going out to eat.
3. learn the phrases, "don't touch","don't pick up", and "she can do it herself" before you go. perfect them. you will be using them a lot. i also had to add "i'm not afraid of cold"...because they don't believe you if you just say "i'm not cold" or "the weather is not cold". trust me on this.
4. learn to ignore rudeness directed at you. no sense in getting mad about it. you'll just drive yourself crazy. as i have.
now that i have finished my ranting, i would like to add that the people i've met have been very friendly. nobody is a stranger in their minds, and, while this makes me uncomfortable at times, it is nice to know that i'm not being shunned! they constantly offer us food and invite us into their homes. they want to take pictures of my girls and they want to talk to eme (who has probably had the hardest time adjusting). they really are very nice to us. i am not what i would call unhappy there. and you probably wouldn't be either if you are able to adjust and accept, or at least prepare. there is a lot that i have had to learn and adjust to and substitute for, or just plain learn to go without, but once i made those allowances and found my way, i live a very happy life. well, accept for the lack of doritos. and cheetos. and donuts....well, won't dwell on that today. we did that yesterday.
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