the best bad movie since buffy

buffy the vampire slayer, for those of you who don't know, was a movie way before it was a tv show. it was sometime in the nineties, i think, staring luke perry, donald sutherland, kristy swanson, and the guy who used to be pee wee herman. it was a really bad movie, but one that established a cult following because of it's amusing one-liners and badly written yet strangely appealing script. i find that it is a very rare phenomenon for a film that most everyone would agree is bad to do so well and i figured that this film, in that vein, could not easily be topped.

i was wrong (it has been known to happen, but not often). last night, i was lucky enough to see buffy knocked from her throne with a very loud thud as she hit the ground. at least, i think it would have been a thud, but i couldn't hear it properly over the awkward growls of a "teenage" vampire and the even louder laughter from the audience at a line or scene that was not intended to be comedic.

**warning: the following does contain spoilers for the movie, so if you haven't seen it and don't want to know any real details, please stop reading. if you continue, please do not leave me a comment or email complaining that i have ruined the movie for you since i have, as you see, left a warning.

i joined several other low-expectation-yet-still-curiously-excited women from church to see the highly anticipated movie twilight. i've read three of the books (which i started mainly because every other mormon woman i've met in person or online seemed to talked about them) and, though they are not my favorite books ever written and i find the main character (in whom's mind you are in as the book is written in first person) extremely annoying and melodramatic, i can't say that i didn't enjoy them (though i am having a problem talking myself into reading the last one...it's just way too far out there in concept). i actually really like the character of edward most of the time. when i heard they were making a movie, i was looking forward to it. but then i saw the trailer. you know how the studio usually is able to make any movie seem interesting and wonderful in the trailer? well, it seemed obvious to me that someone had really dropped the ball on this one. i have to amend that impression now, however, because now that i've seen what they had to work with, i understand that they did the best they could and there was just really no saving it.

the movie was bad. really bad. we all expect that they can't stay completely faithful to the book. i am a firm believer that you have to appreciate a movie as a movie and a book as a book and try not to mix your opinions based on one or the other about it. i like the harry potter movies, but they are nothing to the books. i decided that's the attitude i would have to take with twilight, to keep my thoughts of it separate from those i have about the book. so it's not as though i feel jaded about the adaptation not living up to the expectations. no, it was just a bad movie all on its own.

i will not even get into the choices in actors for the two main characters, just suffice it to say that they are not whom i would have chosen. however, the acting for the most part was just plain horrible. it was awkward and stilted; exaggerated and repressed; amateur performances from actors who are not ameteurs. the dialogue at times became laughable. seriously, would edward actually call bella "spider monkey"? would any boy in love call his woman "spider monkey"? as "pet" names go, it's a really poor choice! conversations between edward and bella were strained and emotionless, and we're supposed to believe they're hopelessly in love? they couldn't even handle lying on the grass in a meadow together without looking awkward and forced. edward, in that scene, looked like he was lying on a bed of sharp rocks or had been dropped from several stories above and broken his arms and legs (which would be the only way to explain the unnatural angles his limbs were in). one friend observed that it looked like they should be replaced with chalk outlines. and what was up with jasper?! everything about the man was stiff and creepy!

lets move on to the special effects. we say special here the same way we say special about the short bus. top of the list is edward's running when he's carrying bella on his back.he's on his tip toes, not even touching the ground, and they don't actually change the angle when going uphill. it's like an old video game on atari or the first nintendo. i assume they had better equpment to work with than that, but i suppose i could be wrong. and the jumping? i'm pretty sure that the longer you're in the air, you start to decline (you arc quickly and then start a desent, right?). but no, not the magnificient edward. for some reason he was able to go up near the end of his jump. then there's the glitter effect when edward's in the sun. several of my friends opined that it looked like he was just sweating. i thought it looked like body glitter (available at your local walmart for $.99 for those who wish to recreate it) such as the kind mariah carrey wears. then there were the piles of dirt space evenly apart for victoria to conveniently leave footprints on for the trackers to follow. and jacob's teeth? that had to have been an effect added after the fact, because there is no way his teeth could be that white. they glowed brighter than edward in the sun. and let's not leave out the fact that bella seems completely unharmed from the major head injury that left her with a concussion and stitches. she's sitting pretty in her hospital bed with her hair all done and her arm bandaged, her leg hanging out from under the blanket. no bruises, though. no hair cut away for stiches. no scrapes from her encounter with james (who was one of the few actors who did a really good job).

now lets talk about the actually theatre experience. not being a huge fan of robert pattinson, i admit that i was not so enthralled with his appearance that i would sigh in lust and thump my chest like a cartoon character, but i can see, i guess, why some young girls might. however, i can not understand why this would happen EVERY TIME he got some face time (which was a lot). there were several groups of teens who would gasp and sigh every time he made an appearance, and they happened to be sitting right behind me. really, girls? don't get out much, do you? the movie was quite entertaining, at least, though not in the way i'm sure it was intended, so i did enjoy the experience for the most part. i was taken by surprise, though, at the number of people who actually applauded when it was over as though this were...well, something to be applauded. really? you clapped? yes it was funny, but it wasn't meant to be, so i think it may have been inappropriate to clap. or maybe they really thought it was good. i suppose that's a possibility. afterall, these are the same people who were audibly in love with pattinson. still....really?

anyway, here are my top ten scenes or lines from the movie that make it worth seeing, even if they weren't supposed to make me feel that way:
1. charlie and his shot gun. the part where he's cleaning his gun and bella brings him a second beer (not what i would call responsible...i mean, he's playing with a firearm and getting ready to meet your boyfriend whom he is suspicious of. alcohol at this point may be a bad idea) and charlie snaps the shot gun shut and tells her to bring edward in. classic daddy moment.

2. when edward first smells bella. the fan with the ribbons is great fun as it then blows her hair about and she goes into slow motion to do the movie star toss of her head. and then edward almost pukes. that's hilarious.

3. the little drive by scene with jacob and his dad in the truck and edward in his little hatchback volvo. big bad vampire all cramped up in the little two seater trying to look intimidating. he just looks uncomfortable.

4. jessica. she's perfect in the role of superficial, two faced high school stereotype.

5. the baseball scene. this one really is good.

6. when james has bella near the end. james does a really awesome job. i guess they blew their luck and budget on him.

7. the end of the baseball scene when the cullens "race" to protect bella. the hissing and crouching is done in such slow creeping motions that i don't see how james couldn't have simply walked over and killed bella before any of them got over there. seriously, aren't vampires supposed to be really fast? and yet they weren't even walking at regular speed to get between the opposing coven and their human mascott.

8. the dinner scene when bella discovers that edward can read minds. the part when edward is telling her what different people are thinking: money...sex...money...sex...money...cat.

9. bella's beautiful articulation when edward tells her to go to jacksonville. it consisted of "what? wh- but- wh- wh- no- no-no- what- no- wh- no!" you get the point.

10. the best thing about the movie was actually the spoof trailer on youtube. check it out. it's funny because it's supposed to be.